uncertainty

How many times have I watched you from afar?

It’s been so long since I first met you under the rain of February. The rain which was heavy as was my feelings to convey a message. The downpour which understood the complain of my whisper about the sound it made to cover all my intention to say anything to you.

Under the different umbrella we were back then, it was so sudden so we could dare to see our look each other. How hard it was just to say hello in the middle of noises caused by the thunder and we blamed our inability to talk to the innocent water from the sky.

We stood on the same side of the street with some distance between us forcing us to take a sharper look to each other. Heads turned left and right to see if we could catch each others eyes.

How many times have I watched the rainbow alone?

Now that I am not there anymore and you are not here any longer, I stand under the vast sky and white clouds. Sky has never been so bright like it is today. Either I start to forgive the impudence of myself or you start to forgive that there wasn’t any chance to us to be met again. Rainbow comes and goes as the day changes. My mind evolves from nothing to so many things inside and still I can’t understand the memory of your speaking back before the fall.

I am not sure how many times I gaze to an emptiness when I am looking my computer monitor at work. I can’t count either how many times it has been that I turn my head to the window just to see if you are sitting on one of those bench outside. I’m still wondering your very presence as if we have just met yesterday so that I can’t stand to watch my mailbox containing messages from you.

I wonder how it has been in you, the time of which has been long forgotten and dismissed, which I carry all around until I find the suitable trash bin. Either there are many place I have to attend and leave, I still don’t where I can find you again except in my exhausted memory which soon will be erased and disintegrated by itself. Surely I have no backup plans and there isn’t any hard drive to wrap all events stored there.

I have met many uncertainties along my steps yet you still remain as one of the certain.

(from one of many memento mori with some changes)

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